A letter to my students

Welcome to the Gymnasium

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Deciding to come to college is like deciding to join a gym. Think of me as your personal trainer. I am not the only personal trainer here, but I am the one you have right now. You may have walked in here mentally soft and pudgy from a brainrot diet of dopamine and doomscrolling, but I’m going to show you some cognitive exercises and workout routines. We’ll talk about how to replace your low nutritional consumption of social media with intellectual protein shakes. If you put in the time and effort, four years from now you can walk out of here trim, buff, and knowing how to maintain lifelong mental fitness.

You’ve joined your local Planet Fitness. We’ll get you in shape, but if you’re already jacked and your goal is to compete in Ms. Olympia or World’s Strongest Man, we’re probably not a good fit. Go down and join Gold’s Gym at Muscle Beach; they will get you where you want to go. We will do right by you, but we’re not Princeton or Cambridge.

I am your trainer. I cannot put in the work for you. If you show up, sit on the bench press scrolling your phone for 15 minutes, then walk around the track a couple of times before hitting the steam room, you are not entitled to tell yourself later “I worked out for an hour.” If you skip leg day I will know. You might be sore from the last workout, because thinking is painful and most people aren’t used to it. But you have to power through. If you can’t think for yourself then you will be a slave to those who want to think for you—algorithms, politicians, con men, AI, memes. Don’t be a slave.

The point of the liberal arts is liberation, liberty, freeing your mind from the shackles of convention and superficial thinking. Come with me and set yourself free.