Shoot All Billionaires in the Head

A Modest Proposal

Billionaires are a problem. On the one hand they are destroying democracy in favor of kleptocratic oligarchy. On the other they are tying up all the money in the system—Musk, Bezos, Zuckerberg, and Gates are collectively worth a trillion dollars; the top .1% of Americans have almost 6 times the wealth as the entire bottom 50%. On the third hand, we have Aristotle’s observation that great wealth is bad for those who have it.

The characters which accompany wealth are plain for all to see. The wealthy are insolent and arrogant, being mentally affected by the acquisition of wealth, for they seem to think that they possess all good things; for wealth is a kind of standard of value of everything else, so that everything seems purchasable by it… In a word, the character of the rich man is that of a fool favored by fortune. (Rhetoric, book 2, sec. 16)

For Aristotle, poverty is bad, but so is massive wealth; what’s needed for a virtuous life is located at the golden mean.

The solution is the Destroying Greed, Advancing Freedom (DGAF) act. Under this new legislation, we shoot all billionaires in the head and confiscate their wealth for the public good. The proposal is one large-caliber bullet for each billion dollars of wealth. This solves all the problems laid out above: billionaires can give back or get shot. Let me lay out the details in Q&A format.

Question: Why a billion?

Answer: It is a natural Schelling Point. Plus it still allows people to get stupendously, inconceivably wealthy, thereby forestalling the predictable but stupid argument that no one will be motivated to succeed unless they can be rich.

Question: How fast will this be implemented? Won’t there be any grace time?

Answer: Of course there will be fair grace time. Billionaires will have one week to divest themselves of all cash, securities, property, business holdings, yachts, art, and anything else that brings their net worth to over $1 billion US dollars. If they fail, they get shot in the head. Furthermore, because of the Fraud Undermining (FU) codicil, billionaires cannot give their money to anyone related by blood, marriage, or law. Many options remain: they could spread it around their employees, give it to a cancer charity, endow food banks, build a hospital, university, library, or museum, etc.

Question: What if the charities waste the money?

Answer: On what? Too many middle managers making $70,000 a year? If any of the money helps people it’s a better outcome than a billionaire buying another congressman or a yacht for their yacht.

Question: Realistically, aren’t they just going to put their money in shell companies, Swiss bank accounts, or park it in the Cayman Islands?

Answer: Of course they will try. But under DGAF, there will be close coordination with the FBI and other law-enforcement agencies to prevent this. Anyone caught trying to subvert their duty to divest themselves of excess wealth will be shot in the head.

Question: C’mon, shooting people in the head is illegal.

Answer: That’s why we are advancing this new bill before Congress. In order to make it law.

Question: This is ridiculous. Going around shooting people isn’t the American Way. That’s not what we stand for!

Answer: Is this your first day in America? Shooting people is the main thing we stand for. We have 1.2 guns for every single person, the highest ratio in the world. We’re the only country in the Western Hemisphere with the death penalty. Our central national icon is the cowboy sheriff with a six-shooter taking down bad guys. Just look at our cinematic heroes: over four movies John Wick killed 439 people. Were people protesting or cheering this slaughter? I think we know. Or how about Captain F’in America? The actual symbol of American virtue? In the MCU he’s killed 14,100 people! That’s not even looking at the comic books. No, we are all about shooting people, just the right ones. We even used to be in favor of shooting Nazis.

Which one is the Bond villain? (Hint: it is a trick question)

Question: Did you really say “one bullet per billion dollars”? Elon Musk is worth $384 billion.

Answer: Yes.

Question: What about Trump?

Answer: What about him?

Question: He’s a billionaire, right?

Answer: All billionaires fall under DGAF.

Question: Didn’t the Supreme Court rule that Presidents are above the law and kings unto themselves?

Answer: Are any of them in the pocket of billionaires? Just asking questions.

Question: What about good billionaires like Taylor Swift or Bill Gates? Everyone loves Tay-Tay and Gates has given away almost $78 billion in charity through the Gates Foundation.

Answer: Yeah, Bill Gates is still worth $108.6 billion. He has a week to unload a $108B of that. If he wants to put it all in the Gates Foundation, that’s fine. He can still live a comfortable lifestyle with his remaining $600 million. Swift is worth $1.6 billion. It shouldn’t be hard for her to donate that $1B to underprivileged musicians or something. She can just shake it off, shake it off.

Question: Won’t the billionaires simply lower their personal wealth to $999,999,999?

Answer: They might, but it’s a risky strategy. With that much money, their interest at 5% is $50 million a year, or about $100 per minute. It’s basically a torrent of free money pouring in, putting them over the cap immediately. Plus a bull stock market or surge in the art market and suddenly they are over the limit. Since that leads to getting shot in the head, it’s probably safer to stay well below a billion.

Question: What’s the plan for the money after we shoot noncompliant billionaires in the head?

Answer: Excellent question. Under DGAF, half of their estate in excess of one billion will be used by the US Treasury to lower the budget deficit. The other half will be put into a trust. All US taxpayers will be entered into a lottery with 100,000 winners. This is the seating capacity of the largest sports stadiums. Like the Super Bowl, the selected stadium will rotate around the country so everyone can enjoy. All lottery winners will report to whatever stadium is picked to witness the billionaire getting shot in the head. Afterwards all the money in the trust will be equally divided among the attendees. We expect a party atmosphere, with t-shirts, souvenir cups, overpriced hot dogs, and other merch for sale. As Nietzsche wrote, “in punishment there is so much that is festive.”¹

An alternative approach

Question: Haven’t billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg [net worth: $236B] made our lives better with amazing, life-affirming inventions like social media? Or the beautiful cybertruck, practical, stylish, and constantly surveilled by the benevolent Elon Musk? Billionaires are here to look out for the little guy and make all our lives better with their wisdom and genius. Seriously, what have the poor and sick ever done for us? We, I mean they, they are the makers, and you are the takers.

Answer: Zuck? Musk? Did you really hack your way into this post? Get the hell out of here. Hey look over there! Free ketamine!

Whew, that was close. Wait, hold on… No, no, stopppppwevqear jm13]-049utv,q [345puit[2w4 09rujg]var095uyntj3 pwlor8hg helpme two2pq3598tylserghferhvwlenci\[]{}RTBP”;.Math input errorMath input error££$$$

WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL. WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL. WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL.

1. On the Genealogy of Morals, essay II, sec. 6.